If You Can Find a Faker Pork Sandwich, I'd Like to Hear It

Amy Jo and I were on our way to dinner the other night, listening to NPR. We heard a story about the McRib Sandwich, quite possibly McDonald's most questionable menu item. Basically, the McRib is not a standard menu item--despite the numerous Facebook groups in favor of the possibility of a year-round McRib. The McRib will once again be available starting November 2, 2010. So we're listening to this story, all the while wondering how people could want to eat this sandwich, when I begin telling Amy Jo about how they spoofed the McRib on The Simpsons (of course) in an episode called I'm Spelling as Fast as I Can (season 14).

Krusty Burger gets a sandwich called the Ribwich and, naturally, Homer loves it. Sadly, like its real world counterpart, the Ribwich is available for a limited time only. Homer hooks up with some people who follow the Ribwich around the country, just so they can eat it. Also, Lisa is in a spelling bee.

Almost immediately after I finished summarizing the episode for Amy Jo, NPR did the same thing. They even had a sound byte. So the first observation is that I could work for NPR. I wouldn't interview people, I'd just reference popular culture.

The really interesting thing we learned from this report was that there is a website called McRib Locator. One day, a meteorologist realized he could apply the same principles he uses to track the weather in tracking the McRib sandwich across this great nation of ours. Also, he has driven 10 hours just to get a McRib.

Now, I don't like the McRib (although I've never tried one--it just doesn't seem like something I'd be interested in), but I was oddly excited to hear about this website. I guess it just makes me happy when people devote portions of their lives to oddities.

Who Are You? Who? Who? Who? Who?

It's 7: 32 a.m. and Lola and I have been up for an hour now. What a fantastic way to start your Saturday...am I right? Not to mention that Lola is now asleep at my feet. At least it's finally starting to get light outside, now I don't have to be so scared. Why am I scared? Well, the most recent episode of CSI scared the bejesus out of me.

I started watching CSI in high school, when my friend LeighAnn told me about a specific episode (I now know it to be titled, Cats in the Cradle). This episode features an old lady found murdered in her home full of cats. Long story short, the little girl across the street is responsible for the murder. The old lady wouldn't give them one of her cats so this little kid stabs her with a pen. And then her sister rats her out and the guilty girl says, "Tattletales go to hell." That's messed up. Just messed up enough to be awesome.

Sadly, CSI and I had to take a break. When my dad first moved to Indiana, he kept his house here in Kentucky. I lived at that house alone. I had to stop watching a lot of my favorite shows: CSI, Law & Order SVU, etc. I couldn't even watch reruns or DVDs I owned. You see, sometimes my imagination can get the better of me...for example if I'm watching a crime show and they don't catch the killer by the end of the episode, then he's probably outside in my backyard. If you ask me, that makes perfect sense. I couldn't even watch certain previews for scary movies. I'm pretty sure I've previously written about the preview for The Others haunting my dreams; I tried to find the post to put a link in, but I can't.

Now that I'm living with Amy Jo again, CSI is back in my life. Our Thursday nights are pretty jam-packed with TV shows (Big Bang Theory, Community, 30 Rock, CSI, Parks and Rec, Jersey Shore, The Office*). The Office has an astrik because at this point we could take it or leave it--seriously, when was the last time that show was as funny as it used to be? If you're aware of the air-times and networks for these shows, you see that we can't watch all of them when they originally air. So we DVR them. Our problem this year (after adding CSI back into the line-up) is that the DVR can't record all these things and let us watch something at the same time. Side bar: I feel like I'm singing my own verse in the classic song, White People Problems. Sometimes we have been known to change our viewing location throughout the night--using different TVs at different time so as to not disturb the DVR; but that gets tiring. Mostly we just wait and watch everything at our convenience, sans commercials. Last night we got caught up on this week's programming, including CSI.

Holy crap. This may be the most frightening CSI I've ever seen. I mean, the one with the doctor performing sex change operations in a storage unit was unsettling, but I'm legit terrified of this bad guy. Just look at this image from the episode:

The killer wears an all black latex suit and creeps hard core on these people--he lives in their house and spies on them and then he attacks them, but doesn't kill them the first time. You see, they're all well-known (and liked) people in the community. But apparently they all have secrets so he wants them to confess or he kills them. I don't care who you are, that's scary. Oh, and did I mention that he appears to be an out-of-work Cirque du Soleil (PS, I spelled that right on the first try) performer because he squishes into these small spaces and walks around all creepy and bendy?! CREEPY! Apparently, his name is Sqweegel--also creepy. And of course, he's a serial killer so they aren't going to catch him in 1 episode. They have to drag it out and make it more interesting. Apparently this killer is from an online novel written by Anthony Zuiker (CSI executive producer). I kind of want to read these books, but Amy Jo is going out of town on business soon and I can't risk opening that can of worms.

I mean, deep down I know that Sqweegel is not going to get me because:

• I'm not a highly respected member of the Las Vegas community
• I do not have a deep, dark secret such as mercy-killing my son, leading up some right wing morals group while cheating on my husband, or starting fires in order to save people from them
• Also, to the best of my knowledge, I am not fictional *However, if you're familiar with the quirky indie film Stranger than Fiction, I could be.

I know all these things and yet, I keep looking behind my shoulder for a creep in a latex suit.

Why I Want to Punch Things: Old Navy

Old Navy really irritates me. I remember when they first started and everyone was like, "Whoa, this place is great." And it was. Lots of cute clothes for pretty decent prices--what's not to love? Plus, did anyone else ever notice how Old Navy sizes tended to run bigger? That's the key to success in my book. I was watching Say Yes to the Dress: Big Bliss the other day, and Randy mentioned that wedding dresses run about 4 sizes small. That's ridiculous! That means that if you wear a 12 normally, you'll be trying on a size 16 wedding dress. Of all the days a person does not want to feel fat, I'd say that their wedding day ranks in at number one (or at least the top 5). If I had a clothing line, I'd make everything run big. Anyway.

The first thing that happened to make me not like Old Navy was that their quality went to Hell. Everything in that store looked like crap. Plus, almost everything was made of 100% cotton. I'm against that because it gets all stretched out and looks gross on you. So I stopped going there. No big deal, I stop going places all the time.

The thing that makes me legitimately mad at Old Navy is their commercials. Do they have a room full of people who sit around and say, "What's the most irritating thing we could put in a commercial?...Whatever it is, let's do it!" I'm pretty sure they do. Like these mannequins who talk--WHAT EVEN IS THAT?! Those commercials make me want to punch things. Even if I liked Old Navy, I'd have a hard time buying clothes from people who think talking mannequins are going to influence my purchase habits. I will admit that I like their dog clothes and that I just bought Lola's Halloween costume there...she's going to be a bumblebee.

And how about the newest of the "Supermodelquins" commercials that also feature real people? I know it's got to be hard to be an actor...but have some self-respect for crying out loud. I'd rather star only in Lifetime and or Hallmark made for TV movies than be in an Old Navy commercial.

Now Target knows how to make a commercial. I have a lot of respect for the people in marketing and advertising at Target. I'd kind of like to meet them, because why are they so good at their job?!